The Monster Cereals

Count Chocula

I’m sure you’re all familiar with the chocolate-loving vampire with the single, flat-edged fang. If you put all the Monster Cereals on Survivor Island, Count Chocula would win the million, because chocolate for breakfast is totally rad. And there was enough chocolate in Count Chocula to turn the milk brown. Back in the day, the Count looked a bit more sinister than his present-day form, which looks sort of like Bob Saget & Larry the Cucumber had a their genes spliced together.

Franken Berry

The strawberry-loving Frankenstein monster always played second fiddle to Count Chocula, & it’s pretty easy to figure out why. It’s not so much the fact that he had a creepy, high pitched voice. I think that was intentional. No, it’s the fact that his head is shaped like a butt. Look at it. It’s ridiculous. It looks exactly like Jennifer Aniston’s butt when she was on the cover of Rolling Stone. Except Jennifer Aniston’s butt wasn’t pink, & it didn’t have a whistle attached to it.

Boo Berry

The ghost. Dude, I don’t understand why people get all excited when someone mentions Boo Berry. Maybe it’s because it was really hard to find, & not too many people have actually tasted it. For some reason, Boo Berry didn’t get around as much as Franken Berry or Count Chocula. I think it’s because his blueberry-flavored cereal was COMPLETELY & UTTERLY NASTY! There’s the truth, kids. I’ve been “lucky” enough to have sampled Boo Berry, & it’s awful.

Fruity Yummy Mummy

I vaguely remember the commercial for this guy. Franken Berry & Count Chocula were exploring the dark corridors of an ancient tomb. They didn’t take Boo Berry with them, because his cereal sucked. Anyways, they come across a casket, it bursts open & Fruity Yummy Mummy pops out & sings his crazy song that went something like “Fruity Yummy Mummy makes your tummy feel yummy!” And it did. The cereal bits had a fruit punch taste to them, & the marshmallows were vanilla. But they discontinued it around 1990. Whoever decided to ditch Fruity Yummy Mummy & keep Boo Berry going really needs to get wopped.

Fruit Brute

The cereal that time forgot. Fruit Brute was a werewolf, & I’m guessing his cereal & marshmallows tasted like assorted fruit. I’ve never seen or tasted it first hand. Fruit Brute died out in 1982. I was a year old in 1982. The only thing I remember about 1982 is that Mr. Hooper from Sesame Street died. I only know Fruit Brute existed because it shows up in both Reservoir Dogs & Pulp Fiction. So if Quentin Tarantino likes it, it couldn’t have been too bad.