Lucky Charms Cereals

Lucky the Leprechaun could never leave the stupid cereal alone. He was always changing the marshmallows around & confusing the crap out of us kids. He started out with 4 marshmallows: pink hearts, orange stars, yellow moons, & green clovers. Blue diamonds were introduced in the mid-70’s, so my earliest memories include those 5. Then around 1985, they added a purple horseshoe, which originally belonged to a pissed off purple horse. Ok, at this point, it was fine. 6 marshmallows. You’d think they’d leave it go. But no, in the late 80’s, Lucky decided to add red balloons to the mix, marking the beginning of the downfall & utter corruption of Lucky Charms.

Rainbows were added in the early 90’s. You’d think some dork like Jerry Falwell would notice something like this, but I guess not, because they’re still in there, teaching kids everywhere to be proud of who they are. It wasn’t long before Lucky felt the obsessive-compulsive need to add yet another marshmallow. “Well look here, laddies! What have we at the end of me magic rainbow? Why, it’s me pot of gold! And it’s magically delicious, too!”

Of course, now that Lucky has his pot of gold, he doesn’t need his silly blue diamonds anymore, so he got rid of those. Then he got rid of the orange Star of David & put a regular 5-pointed star inside the red balloon. Then he took the star back out of the balloon. Then he added a white tail to it & called it a shooting star. In the midst of all this, the yellow moons changed to blue & Lucky put the clover inside his stupid hat.

You’d think it would be easy to just tell Lucky, “Hey, leave the cereal alone! Just leave it alone, dude!” Somehow I don’t think Lucky would take it that well. It seems to me that Lucky has some sort of condition, maybe even an illness of sorts. There’s a guy that comes into the bank I work at every single day & transfers money back & forth between his checking & savings accounts. One time, I swear to Jesus, he actually wrote out a check for $20 to deposit into the same checking account. You really want to say something to the guy, like “What’s wrong with you, you freak?!” But you just can’t find it in your heart to do so. Something inside you tells you that the only thing you can do is offer him your kindness & bite your lip. No matter how much you’d like to kick him in the head.